My (Best) Friends' Weddings

Let me first be clear on my definition of a friend. I'm friends with someone (a) who knows I'm a bit unstable--mentally and emotionally; (b) who knows I can't live without french fries but that I can do without it on Fridays of Lent as my own modern fasting; (c) who understands that basketball in one way or another will take precedence over friendship; (d) who are fully aware of what makes me smile, laugh and cry; (e) who knows when to back off when I'm fuming mad or have the common sense to give me my quiet time when I need it; (f) who acknowledges that I can't live without a cellphone and doesn't mind if I send text messages that are seven pages long; (g) who doesn't argue with me on why I hate rains; and (h) who can endure hanging out with me for hours without making any excuse to get away.

That is not to say that all my friends meet each and every qualification. Oh no, they absolutely do not. But I'm pretty sure they are my friends because they can survive hanging out with me, period.

Then again, how can one hang out with me and not know I'm connected to my cellphone like a mother to her child? That's point F. Some time in the hanging out process I'm supposed to express glee and indignation over something, won't I? A combination of points D and E that most likely will result to point A. We're sure to eat something, that will be point B. Then I shall tell him/her what my favorite is and we will be directed to point C.

Because I discovered the perfect fries ever while watching a basketball game. It's the one still good enough to eat after you get home and find you have leftovers in your bag. It's that good, I tell you.

Now that I've analyzed it like that, I take back what I said about my friends not meeting all the qualifications I mentioned. Maybe they do, somehow.

The thing about the rains is a given. I whine about it a lot. They can't miss it.

Okay, enough of that. This is supposed to be about weddings. I merely pointed out who my friends are and what made them my friends.

Or how unfortunate they are they call me their friend.

One thing I'm sure of, I love my friends. I also know that they love me back. And that no matter what I say here, they will continue to do so. Because that's what friends are for.

Habitually late

Yes, that's us. Me and my girlfriends from high school, that is.

The first time really wasn't intentional (on my part). The first ever friend to get married and we didn't see her walk down the aisle. She's already before the altar with her groom when we arrived at the church. She mouthed a guilt-tripping "Late kayo!" when she spotted us at some point in the ceremony.

So it isn't true that a bride hardly notices anyone or anything when she walks down the aisle, eh?

I honestly can't recall the reason for our tardiness but I have this unshaken feeling that it has something to do with her not making us all part of the entourage. She just picked one and made her her Maid of Honor then left us all to be just guests. Or maybe it's just me. But I'm sure the issue did come up though taken in jest, like it's alright for us to be late because we weren't needed anyway.

The next one was rather intentional. I guess when you missed the first one, you kind of feel or think it's fine to miss the next. I was just sorry I took two friends with me in the process.

Did I mention we're part of the entourage as bridesmaids?

That was the tricky part. I was sorry I was late because they were also late. In my defense, I told them to go ahead but they refused to go without me. It took me some time to decide what to do with my hair and they also fussed over my no-makeup look. So there, they were at fault too.

But that was just half of the story. Ooh, that bride will kill me now.

I wasn't really planning to join the march. It was premeditated. I requested to just be a bridesmaid so I won’t need to partner with anyone. I also deliberately dressed up and prepared late so I'll miss the point when everybody is gathered at the church lobby to organize and line up for the processional march.

I know my friends and the schemes likely to run on their minds (we're birds of the same feather) and I just won't give them the satisfaction of pulling one on me. No, not in this lifetime.

Paranoid much? A bit, yeah.

I just made sure I was in time for the first reading because that was my job. We arrived at the church, some lady gave us our flower bouquets and we took our seats. A couple of minutes later I stood up to go to the podium. Perfect timing.

Confession time. I apologize for being late and took two unsuspecting bridesmaids with me. I was avoiding close contact with someone at that time so being punctual wasn't my concern. I took my time. I didn't make an effort to hurry up to make it on time.

There you go. Guilty as charged. I offer no other excuses.

The next is one for the books.

We arrived at the church and there's no one there. As in church was closed and parking lot was empty. Were we early? We had the gall to ask ourselves that.

In fairness to everyone concerned (including us), it wasn't your usual church wedding ceremony since they only sought church blessings that day having married previously in civil rites. So it was that quick, see.

We made it to the reception in time. That's all that matters.

To scheme or not to scheme

Remember what I said about basketball taking precedence over friendship? Well, almost but not quite.

I seriously considered ditching a friend's wedding just so I can watch a basketball game on television.

What?! Yes.

I knew as early as six months before when she broke the news of her engagement that it will somehow fall on college basketball's big day. I sort of wished until the official league schedule was released that my team would not have to play on opening day.

But maybe the gods of friendship had just one thing in mind and put me up to it.

My school was the season's host and we're also the opening game. Great, huh.

I spent days and nights thinking how I could possibly find a way to go through that day without missing one event. It will only be two hours and she'd probably not notice if one friend goes missing, right? With all those people, I mean, can you honestly keep tabs of everyone? And she's the bride, she's not supposed to worry about things like that. She only has to be beautiful, show up at the church and then go meet her groom, that simple.

I thought I just have to show up at the reception after the game but I made the mistake of asking her one time if the kitchen at the venue has a TV by any chance. She would immediately know what I was up to if someone dares to blab about my church no-show.

Please, treachery is not my forte. I didn't exactly plan on not going altogether. I had my dress made. I bought a new pair of shoes. I even rested with as much as my power willed me, to shy away from watching too much TV for weeks because I had an eye infection at that time. I didn't even reserve tickets to the game. I wasn't really planning to watch it live and be absent at the wedding. I only wanted to go see it on TV at least.

It was also raining very hard that day. Yet another reason why I very much would rather stay at home than out. Then I saw my dress hanging on my closet door and remembered I was one of the bridesmaids. Oops.

The rains made it difficult to move and get to the church so whether we were late or not was an issue no more. Plus, it has become a running gag, no one is expecting much of anybody anymore.

Good thing my team won. And I got to see it five days later. Live games were cancelled due to a typhoon so they replayed the opening day games. Yey!

I guess I'm still chummy with both the gods of friendship and basketball, eh?

Complete departure from tradition

We were early the last time, thank you very much. We weren't part of her entourage but we made the extra effort. Gee, we actually grew up.

And the catch? Oh, there is? Right. Six hours into the wedding festivities, we decided to leave. So much for growing up.

It was freezing cold at the venue, okay, we needed to go find some coffee to warm up.

Still, we weren't late for the wedding. We just sort of, left it early.

When boyfriends are needed

I honestly don't fret about not having one but weddings give it to you like a slap in the face.

I don't mean it in a mopey, self-pity way as in "she’s getting married and I'm not" self-torturing one. I just don't like it when friends get married in far away places. Because I can't drive, that's the thing. So I need someone to drive me there, not exactly to escort me. I made it sound like a show dog, didn't I?

I missed a college friend's wedding because of circumstances beyond my control. The plan was for brother to drive me and another friend down south. It was the day after one of the weddings mentioned above and I was pretty much in wedding mode that weekend. But the father was sent to the hospital the day before the first wedding and brother had no choice but to stay at home in case anything more is to happen.

I am no hospital person and no one is stopping me from going to the second wedding. No one or nothing, to be honest. But I chose not to go, not because of the father but because no one can drive me to the wedding. My life isn't really that complicated.

The need for a boyfriend suddenly was on top of my priority list at that time.

We move on to another college friend’s wedding. I was determined not to ask for help from the family since it's in the metropolis anyway. There's always the cab and I have another friend with me so it's double okay. I was thinking we would just hitch a ride with another friend from the church to the reception venue. It turned out they have to attend another wedding first then catch up with us later at the reception.

Let me just mention that it was truly a beautiful wedding. Never mind that I didn't understand everything that was said in the ceremonies. It was such a relief when I heard "Amen." Ah, bless me, and the Chinese community in this country.

Insensitive me (I'm beginning to entertain the idea that I'm bipolar or something) came out in the open and asked the other friend, who by the way is the friend mentioned just above, to come straight to the church first so we can get a ride to the hotel. That would be the perfect definition of user-friendly and I'm the poster girl, right on.

At dinner I found out that they didn't even get to finish the church rites at the first wedding because they had to rush to come get us. If that wasn't enough to make me feel all apologetic and embarrassed, I would also learn that the bride is a close friend of my friend's wife. Oh, the shame.

Strike two. Get me a driver, boyfriend, whatever, pronto!

To be accurate, it's strike three. I missed another one that was held in another province. But that friend is so used to me missing events in her hometown it wasn't a big deal anymore, I hope.

So what exactly do I need? I think a driver is more like it.

My bestfriend’s wedding

I didn't do a Julia Roberts, okay?

Alas, I have found a driver cum escort, whatever. I can't remember if I asked or he volunteered, I was just happy not to go alone. I should have made him sign something, that was my mistake.

That sorry excuse of a man called just when I was about to dress up. He said he can't make it and mentioned an emergency that didn't sound like an emergency to me.

I was so pissed I saw red all over. The cousin offered to drive me but I was in no mood to go out. How can I go to a wedding like that? It didn't help that the guy kept texting to apologize. He ruined my mood, made me decide against going to my bestfriend's wedding and he thought "Sorry" could do the trick? Be a ballerina and I will reconsider.

The following day was a shocker I still can't quite forget until now. It took me a while before I picked up the bestfriend's call because what was I supposed to say really, apologize for not coming and what lame excuse would I use to justify my non-attendance?

But he didn't call to berate me nor demand an explanation, he called to tell me his mother passed away that morning.

It's ironic how life treats you. You missed a happy occasion and you get your fill of the sad realities immediately after.

I went to see him and the family at the wake. I had to endure a night of endless ribbing of my non-appearance at the wedding from his cousins and friends. I took it all in stride for I felt like I deserve every bit of it.

The bestfriend said it was smart of me to show up there since he’s ready to burn bridges. I don't think it is even applicable to us. There is nothing the other can do that will make us unfriend each other.

We don't see each other a lot and we don't get to talk as much as we used to but we both know perfectly well where we stand in each other's lives.

Duty calls

So how do I feel about weddings in general? They're such a hassle. Seriously.

I mean, the bride and groom go through the preparations months in advance. Some even take a year for those OC couples who do nothing but stress the people around them. The family gets involved, some friends also get on board and before you know it they're all stressing each other out. That's not to mention the professionals the bride and groom hire to organize and facilitate everything.

Please don't get me wrong, I like weddings and what it represent. I know what it symbolize and what it means to the couple getting married. I just don't understand why some people would go through so much trouble when saying "I do" before God, family and friends is the most important thing of all.

Oh, I also hate the part when I'm worrying myself thinking what to wear, what gift to send and yeah, how to get there.

I have been to many weddings and as discussed above, failed to make it to some. I missed a few of my relatives' for reasons both absurd and petty. I'm even planning to boycott one, should he decide to marry, that is. But that's another story to tell.

It's different when friends get married, well, because they are my friends. I chose them to be in my life unlike relatives who are part of me already even before I was born.

I make it a point to attend whenever an invitation comes my way. I am talking of course, of close friends and their wedding. Not to sound like a snob or something but I don't think someone would actually invite me if we aren't close. It's not like I'm a celebrity or something, no sane person would do that. I am no social butterfly, believe you me.

There were times I had to go solo but that didn't stop me. I always feel like sharing the moment is what it's all about. No deep and fancy meaning, just that, to share the moment. It's more like a duty of a friend to a friend.

Oddly enough, I don’t see myself asking my friends to share that kind of moment with me.

What friends are for

I value friends as much as I value my family. There may have been incidents in the past to prove otherwise but those are lapses in judgement and clearly not an indication of my being true to them or not.

Worth mentioning is the latest addition to our bad habit files that happened recently. I was aware of the schedule but at the time the officiating minister was calling everyone to attention, I was still out shopping for an outfit. Fine, sue me then.

We arrived just in time for the Kodak moments. Or should I say Facebook moments now? They say pictures say a thousand words and I bet you my Hello Kitty pocket watch, they won't ever say "They are late." And being late was nothing compared to the groom's super close friends and their unexplained non-appearance at the wedding. We girls were there, the boys were nowhere to be found. Some friends you are, fellas, way to go.

I honestly believe I'm a better friend than others and that's precisely the reason why I deliberately miss one friend's wedding some years back. I didn't think I can look my friend in the eye and share her happiness knowing her groom in his moment of weakness, tried to hit on me. And that was after I learned of their engagement. How's that for getting-to-know your soon-to-be wife's friends?

Of course I didn't tell her. What good will it do if I did? Nothing but a web of complications.

I care and worry for my friends, that's for sure. And I think I know what will and will not make them happy. If by refusing to tell them everything that's happening around them will make them at peace with the world, so be it. No one needs a reason to be unhappy. I'm old (and hopefully wiser than my age) enough to judge what has the potential to hurt them in the long run. A small matter like that is not worth the conflicts that may arise had I brought it up.

RSVP

To close this novel-like piece (it's a disease, I know), I just want my friends to realize that even if I'm no textbook definition of a friend, I try my darndest best to be one. I can do anything asked of me as long as it doesn't require me going out of the house, that much I can promise.

Although in preparation for one wedding I had to go to the public market for some supplies. It may sound trivial to many but it was a big deal for me and my mother. That was the first time I went to the market on purpose. I know, I know, but really I haven't find a reason yet to go there on a regular basis. And because I didn't know my way around there I had to enlist the help of, of all people, my six-year-old niece. The kid really knew where to go, I had to give it to her.

With regards to other things, I can be easily persuaded so long as there's no pressure whether I do it or not. What I hate most is when I'm being forced to do something I don't want to do in the first place.

I can handle the guest list, prepare the wedding souvenirs, edit your wedding blog or something, and call/text (read: threaten) our mutual friends to attend or else. I can easily do all these at home, no worries.

So when's the next great adventure, er, wedding? Just send me the invite. I can't promise not to be late though.

Note to friends: To compensate for my being late, I'll babysit for free when the kids start coming. Just dump them at my house but be sure to pick them up at night. I like my evenings kids-free. I start charging fees if they sleepover.